Title: The TARDIS Diaries
Summary: Random diary entries from the ship we love so much... "I deserve respect! I'm a TARDIS! I have feelings! True, they may be somewhat distorted so that I get a bit giggly every time that I land in a forest, but feelings none the less!"
From 'The Empty Child' to 'Children in Need special'
Spent the whole day carrying people around. Intensely boring.
I feel violated…
My insides are dirty – and not in the kinky, sexual way either. It feels so bad that I am considering appearing on Yeauta7 in attempt to clean myself (planet is made entirely of soap)
Anyway…Followed little flashing mauve light - Doctor appears to have some fascination in scenarios that are most likely to wound or kill. Appeared in 1941 and was mentally assaulted by small child in a gas mask.
I am a TARDIS! I am brilliant and have the largest psychic network EVER! No mere human child should be able to break my defenses…! But silly child does and rings me. And then… THEN, silly Doctor blames me for making a noise! Does he think I don’t know that my silly phone isn’t a real one?! I KNOW it isn’t!
And after that, the Doctor buggers off to places unknown, leaving me to comfort myself against shock… And after THAT someone drops a bomb on me!… All because some person was hanging 700 feet above me wearing a union jack – silly idiot.
The bomb didn’t affect me of course, but it still managed to be most vexing. Have come to the conclusion that life isn’t fair… and may end up resigning myself to absorbing room 6 back into my systems – it’s full of chocolate.
I’m so brilliant; I amaze myself on a regular basis.
Only something with my superior intellect would be able to create a temporal spatio link to a Time Agents ship whilst it was traveling through space.
Doctor took all the credit of course, will have revenge later when I compress the atoms of his bed into rock hard fossil like substance while he sleeps.
Life is not that bad.
Was briefly kicked by Doctor when he woke up with severe back ache, but it’s hardly my fault if he must be so arrogant and take credit for everything.
More importantly, there’s a new boy with us. Captain Jack. On comparing him to weasel-boy… well, there is no comparison. He gets on well with Rose and Doctor, and is clever which makes a nice change, and doesn’t go fainting every time he’s taken somewhere slightly out of him comfort zone.
The best thing is he spends a lot of time fixing me. Is like getting sensual massage from very attractive masseuse…
Landed on a weird planet full of perfectly normal looking humans, except that they’re evolved from elephants… so have white tusks.
Doctor, Rose and Jack all wander off and I’m left to my extensive Tetris game… others came back after a few hours in rather a hurry. Have discovered that Jack got friendly with one of the elephant people and mistook his tusk for… something else.
Am quite jealous, but it would make hilarious story.
Ah…I think I’m smitten…
Took some while for me to realize this as it’s difficult for a giant blue, wooden ship to get ones head around complex human emotions.
Would a Boeshannian ever go for a police box?
Not exactly the most compatible relationship, but he does appear to go for anything that moves. Still, am quite curios as to how we would… communicate. More time must be spent taking this problem into consideration.
Just got shouted at when chocolate room was discovered empty.
Stupid lousy Time Lord git. Can’t he learn to control cravings?
Now we are marooned in space while Jack tries to persuade him to get out of bathroom.
HA! I feel SO good!
I’m on the rift and I am FIRED up!!!!
Hmmm… rather an interesting day.
Okay, that’s putting it really, really lightly… it was horrible
Idiot Mickey turns up, but then he left so I was less annoyed. Silly Sletheen alien woman was hanging around again, and they brought her into me! How dare they?! I didn’t want her smelly gaseous tendencies drifting along my hallways! But no one listens to me so I amused myself by watching World War 2 again –well I can see all of time and space.
But then stupid Slitheen tried to blow things up… had a stupid Tribophysical Waveform Macro-kinetic Extrapolator, and stupid Jack attached it to me, and it opened the stupid rift, so I gained a stupidly stupid amount of power and nearly blew up… kinda put a damper on my day really…
That seems to happen a lot.
Anyway, was fine, and I bit back and made stupid Slitheen look into my vortex and reduced her to an egg. Yeah, I RULE!
……. Uhhh…. Um…uh.
Everything has changed… am uncertain weather it is good or not. Or what the consequences of what has happened will be…
Someone used a temporal scoop and took Doctor, Jack and Rose away… I was left to drift but was collected by unknown people and put in storage room. Insufficient data at this point, but next thing I know, Jack in inside me and in making calculations for a transmit devise… from reading Captains bio readings and heightened stress levels, was assumed that something had happened to Rose.
Was not happy.
Then Doctor and Jack arrive and we go to other end of the universe to get Rose back. Was a little more than intense… gathered from Doctor that Daleks were still at large. Momentarily worried that he may go and lock himself in bathroom again, but obviously situation was much more serious than that.
Ha! Silly Daleks tried to kill me…! Doesn’t sound funny, but when you have a Tribophysical Waveform Macro-kinetic Extrapolator attached to your systems, there’s nothing much that anyone can do to you. Basically, I rule… again!
Arrived on Dalek ship, ONTOP of Rose (oh yeah, I’m good) and they tried to shoot Doctor… silly, silly, silly! Did they not think I would protect him!
So Daleks have been building giant fleet… not good… is like the Time War over again and Doctor does not deserve that. Doesn’t deserve to loose those he cares about, so he sent Rose home in me…
Did not want to leave him.
Oh… and he told Rose to just let me die! How DARE he! But… at the time it did not seem important, would be hard to continue without Doctor. TARDIS and Time Lord go together like raw sewage and disease.
So was left on Earth. I knew my duty and had fulfilled it – was satisfied to just while away my days with Tetris and Solitaire, but Noooooo! Rose had to be stubborn! She went and got giant chain and big yellow truck and… well… opened me.
Not as dirty as it sounds!
But a little embarrassing.
Not just because I let a puny human get the better of me, but because I deliberately let her… I wanted to go to the Doctor just as much as her. I intentionally disobeyed his orders…
Bad Wolf was created.
The power of the time vortex, of the universe, condensed inside a tiny and insignificant female human. I granted her the power of a god, and don’t regret it for one second.
Unsure of what she did – her human consciousness was dominant within her mind as I did not want to compress her… it was inevitable, but was hoping to slow the process. Have vague memories of destroying the Dalek fleet, bringing someone to life… I know that bit went wrong…
Doctor saved Rose - was not strange being a part of him, we have been connected for over 1000 years anyway – then I was retuned to my normal state.
Had to leave Jack. He is… wrong. So, so, so wrong… like ketchup on a kitkat (trust me on that one)
Things went from bad to worse. My power damaged the Doctor to far beyond normal repair, and he was forced to regenerate… am quite used to it but it came as a bit of a shock, especially for Rose…
New Doctor was… hyper active. Time Lords all look the same to me anyway, but I could tell it was him, he had the same psychic wave length. Have learned not to judge forst impression of Doctor, he is often unstable… so we shall see what –
Oh god… why did he just press that button??
What was he think– ah, ah, wait…
Oh… ah, ah! AHHHHH!!
‘Here we go… Christmas eve…!’
Onwards to Part 3!