Planet Gallifrey: The TARDIS Diaries - Part 1

Monday, September 24

The TARDIS Diaries - Part 1

Title: The TARDIS Diaries
Random diary entries from the ship we love so much... "I deserve respect! I'm a TARDIS! I have feelings! True, they may be somewhat distorted so that I get a bit giggly every time that I land in a forest, but feelings none the less!"

Part 1
From 'Rose' to 'Fathers Day'

Day 5558083:
Been around 6833 days since Time War ended. Doctor still moping despite taking him on a detour to November 22 1963 to see Kennedy. Forgot it was then that he was assassinated. In hindsight, probably not a good move. Now Doctor has locked himself in bathroom 83 and refuses to come out.

Day 5558086:
Am sick of this, Doctor needs some company. Have tried on multiple occasions to engage him in conversation, yet he seems to assume its just excess gas. My wiring was fiddled with today. Not sure what he was trying to fix, but I now have an odd craving for lemon porridge.

Day 5558091:
Am bored and sick of depressed Doctor. Have decided I will find someone for the moping Time Lord, so will create a fake emergency signal and whisk him off to Earth. Seems like the obvious choice, most companions come from there.

Day 5558092:
On Earth. Doctor has wandered off somewhere. Am wondering what he’s up to, but don’t really care that much.

Day 5558094:
Doctor’s been gone for two days now. It’s endearing how he becomes so obsessed with small enigmas and aliens that I make up. Am keeping myself amused by playing Tetris, which is by far the easiest game as I can see all of time, so know which pieces are coming. Maybe it appeals as name is similar to mine.

Day 5558095:
Doctor has returned. Turns out there is a giant invasion of the Nestines. Who’d have thought it? Was assuming he spent two days following aliens, but noooo – I caught a glimpse of a blond haired girl before I disappeared. Trying hard not to let my huge expanse of imagination run off on a whim. Dirty Time Lord Minx.

Day 5558097:
Doctor told me to follow Nestine signal back on Earth, but was sulking over blond, so took him to the bow of Titanic in 1912. Didn’t know it was about to sink. My bad.

Day 5558110:
Appeared in the back alley of some random restaurant (right time and everything, but do I get any thanks?) Doctor disappears, then reappears, promptly followed by blond.

Was about to sulk – but realized is much more difficult for ship to do, as would be hard to lock myself in my own toilet… temporal nightmare… changed my mind anyway when she appeared. First thing she did was turn tail and scarper outside again. Then she started crying, before yelling at Doctor for apparently melting her boyfriends head. Will never understand humans.

Follow signal, arrive somewhere new, don’t get thanked as little love birds run off… Was contemplating beginning a new Tetris game but decided instead to eject all the hot water from my systems so that Doctor will get a shock next time he decided to wash.

I randomly got hauled off by some Autons with severe fashion sense as well. It was all sorted out in the end… but will never understand humans OR their choice of clothing.

Can not believe I ever felt threatened by her. She is like other humans. Mostly harmless. Already appears to have more sense than Doctor. Rather handy, but only when large chain is hanging from a ceiling.

Day 5558111:
Little blond girl coming along. Can’t complain if it’ll stop Doctor moping and locking self in random toilets each time something bad happens.

Wishing fervently that Doctor had thought of locating some lemons and porridge when on Earth. Craving is persistent.

Day 5558128:
Feel rather strange… large parts of my wiring have been removed by Doctor. Closest analogy would be something along the lines of eating 12 laxative tablets and spending remaining day clamped onto toilet. Hoping he knows what he is doing…

Day 5558132:
Have spent last few days ferrying Doctor and blondy around. She’s ok, seems to at least have sensitive side. If only Doctor would look into her mind, and understand poor child’s body being hormone central.

Love is so tedious.

Day 5558133:
Been to future – some cretin attempted to frazzle me. Been to past – was snowing (unsure if this was attempt to freeze me, but highly doubt it as Earth ecosystem is not that advanced) Went back to blond girls Earth home some little cretin decided to scribble on me. Am certain this was not attempt on life but is still bloody annoying. Imagine waking up after a bad night and finding huge tattoo… Don’t care much for bad wolf. Whole scenario is wearisome and below my notice. At least until it happens in a month or two.

Blond got given key, so have decided to accept her. Will install data.

file data 4.5673 located
message: delete??
++redo from start++
...::psychic residual
#~brainwaves attached]]
data received
Rose Tyler initiated
++out of cheese error++
++redo from start++

Day 5558134:
Felt some signal and presence of advance technology… possibly Fallapatorians. Either that, or Earth has a much more advanced pig race than I thought. Doctor comes back for a visit and we buggered off without Rose. Am confused. Should newly installed data be deleted?

Arrived in some storage room. Must I always remain in the role of “object to be used when needed”? Sometimes feel Doctor sees me in the same was as he may a stapler. Am also concerned that favoritism is being developed for the Sonic Screwdriver. Maybe because it is pocket accessible… feel scandalized.

I sometimes wake up at night fearing that this shape makes me look fat… if not rather square. I tell myself I am beyond paranoia. But unfortunately, I don’t trust what I say.

Arrive back from cupboard to find myself filled with Rose and family. Unhappy about mounting domestically, but was happy when Doctor told them to bugger off. All is forgiven for choosing a screwdriver over a living ship.

Everyone leaves, am left on my own to complete my extensive gave of solitaire that consists of 6 decks of cards. Is less tedious than Tetris, despite my fondness of name.

Day 5558136:
Am very unhappy.

New human is with us… immediate impression: weasel. He seems unable to comprehend present situation.

Will try to abandon him at first possible chance.

Additional: I hate Daleks.

Day 5558137:
Current mood: vexed.
Some large gelatinous blob attempted to crack Doctor and Rose to gain access to my infinite and most brilliant knowledge – Am not vain, am simply pointing out fact. Irritating weasel-boy nearly gives everything away with his silly head-hole. Was not happy.

Triumphant that he was left on Earth, am hoping he will be forced to join some form of circus where people can point and laugh at him and his hole. No sexual innuendo intended.

In other news, I recently discovered that I have a 7 acre meadow that has been steadily growing inside of me somewhere around zone 87395. Is quite nice.

Day 5558093:
Why, of all the life forms in time and space, would the Doctor have a preference for humans? He seems to go through mood swings with them – hate them, love them – like they bring on a PMT attack. Will never understand.

Rose and Doctor moody and depressed yet seem to have closer bond than usual. Have put it down to silly humans and their emotional attachments to parents. Apparently, seeing the death of loved ones hurts. Who’d have thought it? Me and Doctor saw home planet destroyed – bit worse than lovingly saying goodbye to father who has only been in life for a few hours. Doctor does not appear to have this view. Will put it down to his selfless brilliance… and the fact that he only ever shows his true emotions when on his own and sulking in various urinals.

Was temporarily erased from existence which really put a dampener on my whole day. Resigning myself to sulking....

Onwards to Part 2!


Nameless Biped said...

FUNNIEST thing I've read yet! BRILLIANT!!

Aisling said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAAAA!!!!! So funny!!!! hhehehe!

Anonymous said...

It's not that funny. GOSH!

Doctor who fan said...

what funnies you making anyone laugh so it me because doctor who Diaries are in doctor who Shop so don t make me laugh and don t make anyone laugh Haaa haaa heee hee!!!!

A random guy said...

Its actully OK...

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